I’ve been struggling greatly with my mental health lately. Since I graduated high school last month, I haven’t really been able to go out and hang out and do all these amazing things I used to do. I feel lonely, and I mean it. Ever since then, I’ve been inside in my room most of the day pretty much everyday doing nothing but doom scrolling social media on my phone, and let me tell you doing that all day everyday isn’t exactly that good for you mentally.

Being transgender too doesn’t help this at all. All the hate I’ve seen and been getting is… it’s hurtful. Sending me these images of the bridges where people almost or did successfully unalived themselves, as well as the plentiful number of transphobic “memes” there is, or stuff like "You're a man" or "You're mentally ill" or "You're a [child lover]" makes me upset and only fuels my gender dysphoria. I’m already insecure of my appearance, so these things only make it worse. Because of this, I’ve noticed increased thoughts of not only self-doubt and loneliness, but also the VERY bad stuff: self-harm and unaliving.

I’m not joking. I’m speaking the actual truth.

I feel that far gone. I feel as if nothing can save me from the inevitable. I even tried doing it multiple times before, but something always stopped me: what if I regret it? I wouldn't be able to reverse it if I were gone. And yet, I'm back here, in the same situation, wanting to actually go through with it. Before you ask me to get some help, I believe that calling 988 or something is only a short-term solution. It wouldn’t take long before I would be back in the same situation again. I almost can’t anymore. You only get one chance at life, yes, but I feel like it’s wasted. I would’ve had a long life if only people had seen and cared about me. What is there to enjoy? Nothing anymore. Not even the things I used to like and do for fun. Everything’s boring and uninteresting now. And that’s not even the end of it.

Everyone I know has more followers than me, and hence, gets more attention than me. I hate that. I feel like everyone just ignores me whenever I have something to say, opting to scroll past towards the popular and trending posts. I feel unseen. And my profile isn’t green on Shinigami Eyes (a Chrome extension) while others are, even though I’m supportive and advocating for trans rights, since I’m transgender myself. That makes me feel jealous and like I’m excluded and missing out.

Goodness gracious I hate this country so much.

The political situation doesn’t help either. We have the worst person ever as president: a racist, homophobe, draft dodger, PDF file, and 34-count felon orange clown loser. He’s taking away all our rights while also helping the rich get richer. It’s so messed up. And while the Supreme Court upholds bans on gender affirming care from Tennessee and Congress passes a bill that strips millions of their healthcare and food stamps, they’re out there building concentration camps in Florida and giving more money to Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk. I hate this country. It’s full of stupid, hateful, and cult-following MAGAts that contribute nothing to society but follow what the orange clown says. I hate it. I want to move somewhere else, like Canada and Europe, but the costs and visa requirements certainly don’t help me at all and only makes me feel more isolated and trapped.

In conclusion, I’m struggling greatly with my mental health and I need your help. All of you. If not, if no one cares or more likely even sees this post, I might not be around much longer. I hate that I’m stuck inside and being “chronically online.” I hate that I’m getting hate just because I’m transgender and different. I hate my appearance and feel insecure about myself. I hate that nothing's interesting and everything I used to do and love is not fun anymore. I hate that I get no attention and that my mutuals have everything I don’t. I hate that our country is getting screwed over by a person with 34 felony convictions. I almost can’t anymore. I need someone’s help, and now. I’m almost at the point of no return. I’ll try everything to turn my life around. But at this point, I don’t even know anymore.

If you are struggling, don’t wait. Talk to someone today. Call, text, or chat 988 or another resource. It’s free, confidential, and available 24/7. (see below my signature for infographic)

I won’t be doing that, because they won’t help me. Why even bother? I love you all. Sorry for everything, and sorry if I made you worried for me.

Thank you.

Love, SeveredData and It’s Emma!

- Emma Onstott (she/they)